Not My Monkey, Not My Circus: An Overview of the Republican Debates So Far!

The Republican debates are not only a circus side show, they’re a breeding ground for inequality. I wanted to sum up some of the most interesting moments so far from the 2016 GOP debates in this blog post, so here you are:

  1. Trump’s penis jokes.

Another classy move from our favorite buffoon. Seriously, someone put us out of our misery, please and throw this guy off his giant tower. Don’t worry, I’m not promoting murder. The wig will act as a parachute and hopefully the fall will just break his knees. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Anyway, if you haven’t followed the campaign or if you don’t exist on social media, then let me explain what this was. Donald Trump ACTUALLY made dick jokes during the debate. The fact that the Republican frontrunner is defending his penis size on an international platform makes me fired-up angry. Here’s the dialogue:

Rubio: Look at those hands, are they small hands?

[Trump raises his hands, of course, because that’s what a defensive stance looks like…]

Trump: He’s referring to my hands and saying if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it.

Gross. Fuck off, Donald. Donald Suck, that’s your new nickname. Donald Dump. That’s a good one too.

  1. Cruz has no friends.

He’s either Kevin from The Office or he’s the Zodiac Killer. Either way, we hate this Tea Party flake. He looks as spineless as his support (that means he has none btw). It’s no secret Cruz has no Senate support; he’s been called out on it many times.

  1. Rubio goes after Trump University.

Bless his heart, Marco Rubio was just no match for the big guys. He was cute as a candidate though, like when your little brother tries to hang with you and your friends…no one takes him seriously, but you let him hang around and win games of monopoly every once and awhile. Rubio and Trump squabbled over immigration, and then Rubio brought up Trump’s fake university which required students to borrow nearly $40,000 in loans. Trump, you got schooled. Pun intended.

  1. Ben Carson tries to engage.

We gotta give credit where credit is due. The man is an internationally acclaimed surgeon, receiving awards from our government and savings lives on the daily. BUT, what a shit president this wack job would make. Seriously, a portrait of himself and black Jesus hangs in the vestibule of his house. Can you imagine that in the Oval Office? Fuck that. During the debates, Carson tried to interject his opinions, mostly sounding like a grandpa in slo-mo, letting us know his half-assed policy ideas. Poor guy was almost daring us all to judge him. But he did try, poor thing. He did try.

So that’s my sum up of the debates thus far. You’ll notice none of these concern actual policy; they’re just political posturing. Unlike the Democrats, the GOP debates are a shitshow—okay, yes the Dems are stupid too (except Bernie. Bernie is love. Bernie is happiness.). But at least they talk about the ISSUES facing our country, instead of how small their dicks are—oh wait, I forgot “there’s no problem”.

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